You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
