so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
