You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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