She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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