I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
