how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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