party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
