According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
