Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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