We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
