Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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