I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
