I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
