I just made out with a guy for $7.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
