well I can't set my house on fire every night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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