btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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