My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
