maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
