im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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