Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she woke up with a sticky ear
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
