She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
that may or may not have been my penis.
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