i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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