i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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