take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
