I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
