There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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