My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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