New low: just hacked my moms facebook
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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