im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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