maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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