quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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