Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
