Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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