Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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