mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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