I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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