is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
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I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.