I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants