Will you blow on my dice?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing