In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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