stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
