It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
