i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
