He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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