Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
