you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
