You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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