the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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