omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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