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What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman