Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
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we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
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I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.