I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
