I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
