I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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