Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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