What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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